How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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