I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
