When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
