my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
