it's too hot outside to masturbate.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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