i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
