I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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