I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I touched a dick in church today
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
