apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
