my phone needs a breathalizer
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
