Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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