Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
