Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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