It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
