he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize