im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
