Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Randomize
