I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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