When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
