I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
