those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
