a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Randomize
