Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize