I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
