don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
