I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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