I think my fart just growled at me.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
