So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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