My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
