adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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