I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
