My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
