new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
