if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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