she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
