OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
