I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
