My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
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