Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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