We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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