I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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