$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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