Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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