Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
