OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize