I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We talked him into tasing himself.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
