There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
