Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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