Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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