I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
