That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Four minutes until I can fart!
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
