I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
