Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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