addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
