she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
