I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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