then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
