and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
