I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
