either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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