woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
