the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
