Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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