you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
