The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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