Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
