wrigley field is MILF paradise
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
